dissipating darkness, wait, lightening (2017-18)
for string quintet, flute, oboe, harp, and percussion
Premiered by St. Olaf musicians, April 5, 2019
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program note:
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I. before; at the dark window
II. frantic heart, in restless silence
III. pour slowly, attenuating storm
IV. steadied, restoring rain
The four movements of this piece are loosely based on four stages or seasons of healing, specifically healing from traumatic moments. These moments can range in intensity, manifesting in spiraling fixations that we can’t let go of. These memories can be painful and difficult to articulate. As we agonize over and relive them, they become formative in how we define ourselves. Writing this work was a way for me to understand, acknowledge, and begin to heal from some of my experiences. I hope that listening to this work might help you to reflect, understand, or begin to heal from some of these moments that you may have experienced in your own life.
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The first movement of the piece, before; at the dark window, engages with the idea that memory is not always reliable. It begins with uncertainty, building gradually but incessantly into a theme representing the anger and anxiety related to acknowledging a traumatic experience directly. The end of the movement dissolves into a tense few moments of apprehension and fear.
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The second movement, frantic heart, in restless silence, reflects the feeling of isolation within, trapped in memory flashbacks and thoughts spiraling out of control. The movement has a reduced orchestration that reflects this withdrawal, and repeating angular themes create a sense of the distortion of thoughts and emotions.
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In the third movement, pour slowly, attenuating storm, the full orchestration returns as one is finally able to reach out for help and begin the process of healing. Beginning with solo marimba on swelling, rising chords this movement responds to the previous movement with a new beginning of acceptance and the first step towards peace with oneself.
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The final movement, steadied, restoring rain expresses the cleansing peace of a summer rainstorm. The healing process involves an understanding of the initial trauma, an acceptance of the associated pain and emotions, and the realization that trauma changes us. Healing is a process, not something we can complete, but rather something we must always be working towards. It’s about making peace with this and learning to continue.
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Contact Erika for score inquiries.
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